Hot car deaths seem to be all the rage this sizzling summer season, which is totally not okay. There have already been something like 200 confirmed fatalities and we are not even to the end of July. It’s impossible to say if people are frying their kids on purpose or on accident, nobody really knows for sure. It’s kinda like Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or ‘SIDS’: is it real or is it just pillow-abortion? Science doesn’t have the answers, unfortunately. For some people, hot car death might essentially be a way to get rid of these toddlers when they are too old to be smothered in a crib. Basically hot car death is SIDS, but for toddlers, or ‘STDS’ as I call it.
But it’s not all doom and gloom, gang. Here are some ways you can make a difference and stop hot car death in it’s tracks. First off – be vigilant. If you see a kid in a car alone, immediately check the door. If it is locked then smash the window with a baseball bat, hammer, or shoot it out with your firearm. Time is of the essence and you really don’t know how long that kid has been in there. It could be hours! Not to brag, but I’ve already saved two kids this week - one outside of a post office, the other outside of a Piggly Wiggly. As I was dragging this terrified screaming child out of this dumb lady’s Leaf suddenly she runs up to me screaming “what are you doing!? Put down my child, I just went to the RedBox for like one second!” I was like - ‘Yeah well tell that to the judge hippie!’
Now let’s assume hot car death can happen on accident (however hard that may be to comprehend). Let’s say you are a first time parent and maybe you are retarded or have ADHD or whatever and you are not used to caring for children, then you need to download my new iPhone app ‘Hot Tots.’ If you don’t have an iPhone, well maybe you’re not ready to raise a child in the first place, let’s be honest. Hot Tots is an app that synchs to a motion detector that you put in your car. Let’s say you are wandering around Sam’s Club like all the other dickheads and you didn’t get much sleep the night before and your mind is occupied wondering where things went wrong, how life could’ve been different etc., and then all of a sudden your phone emits the most gut wrenching shriek imaginable. Is it an amber alert? No dumbass. It’s Hot Tots letting you know that you left Jerrika in the back of your Suburban. As soon as the child starts crying and flailing around, the motion detector is trigged and an alert is sent to your phone letting you know that you are a complete flippin’ moron.