A Couple Fun & Easy Ways to Stop Hot Car Death

      Hot car deaths seem to be all the rage this sizzling summer season, which is totally not okay.  There have already been something like 200 confirmed fatalities and we are not even to the end of July. It’s impossible to say if people are frying their kids on purpose or on accident, nobody really knows for sure. It’s kinda like Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or ‘SIDS’: is it real or is it just pillow-abortion? Science doesn’t have the answers, unfortunately. For some people, hot car death might essentially be a way to get rid of these toddlers when they are too old to be smothered in a crib. Basically hot car death is SIDS, but for toddlers, or ‘STDS’ as I call it.

          But it’s not all doom and gloom, gang. Here are some ways you can make a difference and stop hot car death in it’s tracks.  First off – be vigilant. If you see a kid in a car alone, immediately check the door. If it is locked then smash the window with a baseball bat, hammer, or shoot it out with your firearm. Time is of the essence and you really don’t know how long that kid has been in there. It could be hours! Not to brag, but I’ve already saved two kids this week - one outside of a post office, the other outside of a Piggly Wiggly. As I was dragging this terrified screaming child out of this dumb lady’s Leaf suddenly she runs up to me screaming “what are you doing!? Put down my child, I just went to the RedBox for like one second!”  I was like - ‘Yeah well tell that to the judge hippie!’

       Now let’s assume hot car death can happen on accident (however hard that may be to comprehend). Let’s say you are a first time parent and maybe you are retarded or have ADHD or whatever and you are not used to caring for children, then you need to download my new iPhone app ‘Hot Tots.’ If you don’t have an iPhone, well maybe you’re not ready to raise a child in the first place, let’s be honest. Hot Tots is an app that synchs to a motion detector that you put in your car. Let’s say you are wandering around Sam’s Club like all the other dickheads and you didn’t get much sleep the night before and your mind is occupied wondering where things went wrong, how life could’ve been different etc., and then all of a sudden your phone emits the most gut wrenching shriek imaginable. Is it an amber alert? No dumbass. It’s Hot Tots letting you know that you left Jerrika in the back of your Suburban. As soon as the child starts crying and flailing around, the motion detector is trigged and an alert is sent to your phone letting you know that you are a complete flippin’ moron.

Let’s Put An End To School Shootings

       I know what you’re thinking: ‘Oh boy, another blog about the school shootings by some uninformed dickhead.’ Well, think again. I’m not gonna spend this time asking the dumb flippin’ questions like – why did this happen? Where were the parents? Why doesn’t this happen in other countries? What’s going on? Is this happening because of Game of Thrones?

       NO! No more questions. I will instead give you answers, a ‘final solution’ if you will, in regards to school shootings. Hear me out…Bulletproof Snuggies.  That’s right, make bulletproof Snuggies which double as school uniforms, mandatory in every classroom in America.  

       Bulletproof Snuggies?! You’ve lost your mind! WRONG. There’s been 75 school shootings in a year and a half. 75. School shootings have recently become the leading cause of death in people under 25 years old, blowing past texting & driving fatalities and Slender Man murders.

      Think about it. Bulletproof Snuggies will dissuade would-be mass killers because they won’t be able to get the body count needed to get their names on CNN. I mean, in order to make headlines you need to get like 6 or 7 kids, not 1 or 2. Seriously, do you honestly remember the name of that Seattle killer last week? No you don’t, because he only got one. Never heard of him. Out of sight, out of mind. Maybe if these weird & lonely psychopaths realize that they will never reach the Virginia Tech top score, they won’t even attempt a mass-murder.  Maybe they’ll only kill themselves like normal people.

      Having uniforms in schools will also alleviate the rape culture in our society.  Girls won’t be able to act all ratchet and make the boys go crazy when they are covered up the whole time. Clearly males aren’t responsible for any of their actions when they are horny, and if everybody is wearing Snuggies, there won’t be anything to think about except for hitting the books.  This is only a latent effect, though.

       The bottom line is that guns will never go away. They will never go un-invented. Guns are a part of this country’s DNA and we all know that history doesn’t change.  I have offered up a solution where we can keep our precious guns and feel no shame about it. Also, we can give a government contract to Halliburton to produce these Kevlar Snuggies which will create jobs and stimulate the economy. Halliburton makes guns after all, and they make bulletproof vests, why not bring this whole thing full circle.

       Getting rid of guns in this country is not the answer. How will I protect myself? With pepper spray or a knife?! Get real. I’m a proud gun owner. I’m a hunter and an American citizen. When I take my assault rifle into the rugged mountains of Malibu and mow down a deer, that deer meat feeds me and my roommates for months. I’ll be good god damned if somebody should take that right away from me. Plus we will need our guns when the inevitable drone war happens.

       Nobody listens to me anyway, even though I have great ideas like Bulletproof Snuggies and Solar freakin’ Roadways! You’ll all be sorry when Obama takes away our guns and invades Canada with Zuckerburg and his army of death drones, just you watch!

My name is Dustin Pecker. I’m an Adult Baby Porn Star and I’m not ashmed to admit it!

I didn’t expect this to happen today. Waaaaaaaaa!!

I’m so upset you guys. My decision to do adult baby/diaper porn to pay for my DUI was a private one that I made for myself, until I was outed by a dirty daddy on Reddit.

Your cyber bullying and negative comments hurt my whittle feelings and make me cry like the silly whittle baby that I am! People have gone as far as to say things like ‘I hope this diaper fucker dies in a pool of his own kaka’ or ‘is it too late for this queer to die of SIDS?’

Yes, I am a sex worker and I’m not ashamed. But, do you honestly think you are better than me just because you bone missionary with the lights off and you pee pee and poo poo in the potty instead of a diapy?

Let’s get this straight: I am a paraphilic infantalist, or as it is commonly known as ‘diaper baby sissy boy.’ But most of the time I’m just a typical cis gendered white male with a few quirks who’s just trying to make that extra buck.  Years ago I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. Omg, I was devastated, but I decided to turn lemons into lemonade! Instead of wallowing in my sorrows, I started wearing diaps and then I just ran with it. 

As an adult baby, yeah I let my ‘mommies’ and ‘daddies’ have their way with me, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not a person who can maintain a typical healthy relationship. When I’m on set, my girlfriend understands that if my daddy needs me to kiss him in the tinkle place, I’ll do it because I appreciate the things he does for me. And no it’s not a gay thing, it’s a power thing. Haven’t we all sucked on dicks before? Maybe at college or burning man? How dare you judge me.

Let’s face it; AB/DL porn is a billion $ industry. There are more AB/DLs out there than you can shake a butt-plug at. Maybe your weird uncle, your son’s scout leader or your dentist. We’re everywhere, you just don’t know it because people don’t accept us and when they find out, well they become big dumb meanies and tattle on us on reddit. Furthermore, what kind of double standard is it that if you do regular porn you are considered ‘brave’ and ‘a hero,’ but when I do diaper porn I’m ‘perverted’ and ‘strange?’ Seems like bull poop double standard to me.

NO PORN STAR IS A HERO. Sully Sullenberger is a hero and he didn’t have to suck 100 chilitos to land that plane. But that doesn’t mean I’m a slut either! I mean I am a slut, but I’m a dirty lil daddee’s most favoritist whittle slut boy slut, not like a SLUT slut ya know?

Look, I’m just a normal guy who likes to tug n fuck n suck n tuck just like everybody else. If you don’t like it, then beat it. Your words hurt. Just because I live an alternative lifestyle doesn’t mean that I don’t have feewings. And when you say mean tings I juss want my mommy! Weeve me awone and stup being such meanie heads!

CVS to stop selling cigarettes! VICTORY for America

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This week CVS announced that they are going to stop selling cigarettes which makes me proud to be a G-darn American! Kudos to CVS for supporting healthy lifestyles.  Most of us know by now that cigarettes are bad, but this is about the example we set for our children and everybody knows that children are pretty much legally retarded and need to be treated as such. I mean take my nephew Brandon for instance; He LOVES Sea World, and like…what do I say to him? I can’t let him watch that one movie that just came out because it would bweak his whittle heart. For those of you who haven’t heard, there was a movie called Free Willy where people said that Shamu was sad because the Sea World folks held him captive and tortured him and jerked him off constantly.  Not only that, the Sea World people NEVER told the trainers that ‘Killer’ whales can be deadly. Can you imagine?

                But I’m just getting sidetracked here, this is about protecting our children. I mean take cyber-bullying for example: I read a blog that kids are making fun of other kids in internet chat rooms and then these poor queer kids are getting sad and killing themselves. When does it end!? I think we should give these smokers a taste of their own medicine – we should start cyber-bullying smokers!! Yes if you know a smoker, post a comment on their myspace and let them know that they are a fag for smoking fags (catchy huh).

                Listen gang, I used to be a smoker for over 10 years, but it’s just not worth it, and I’m glad a big important corporation like CVS stepped up to the plate and became a moral authority on this issue.  After all, corporations are people (according to the law) so it’s important for them to act in our best interest. And while they’re at it, CVS should stop selling toothpastes with chemicals in them! I read this thing the other day that the companies put stripes on the bottom of the tubes and if there is a black stripe it means it’s all chemicals. Are you friggin kidding me? How were we ever supposed to know this if it weren’t for the internet? This is the true beauty of social network sites. We can share information without being censored or having to worry about any political agenda.

              It’s like that whole George Zimmerman thing – did you hear this big angry white man chased down a poor child on his way home from Chuck E Cheese and shot him directly in the mouth? How sad. And the cray thing about it, was that the case was going to be dropped because literally everybody in Florida is racist. But then American hero Jesse Jackson stepped in and posted on FBook and sent it to trial.

                Amazing things like this happen all the time, and that’s why it’s refreshing to see the good folks at CVS do the right thing.  Let’s all pat ourselves on the backs for liking and RTing such a noble cause! And one last thing… if any of you heathens out there wanna smoke your gross cancer sticks, well you are just gonna have to go to Walgreens!

Instagram Non-Sequiturs (part 2)

"Sometimes I Need To Be Alone"

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Instagram Non-Sequiturs

I follow a bunch of surfer butt models on Instagram (via Tinder) and I’m obsessed with their updates. They post so many pictures of themselves that they have run out of caption ideas. I have compiled a list I like to call ‘Instagram non-sequiturs’ that illustrate this very point…

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Notice how there is neither rain, nor storm

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Don’t fall asleep on the beach you’ll get sunburned, girl! My college friends still call me ‘Spot’ because I passed out in Cabo and they put a bunch of bottle caps on me while I lay in the sun for hours with no sunscreen.

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I photoshopped a cup of joe in this one so it would make more sense

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‘Insomnia’ apparently girls are just exhausted on the beach, who knows

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College can diiiie. Notice it’s just a screenshot of the beach she’s on

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Ummmm, frown less? You are frowning in this picture

I know that dudes probably post as many annoying selfies as women (mostly in the gym) however I’m not about to follow a bunch of bros so please forgive me

Hipsters

Hipsters

ooooh, she has Lyme disease

Justin Decker

It turns out, the last girl I hooked up with wasn’t, in fact, a drug addicted retard after all. Nope, she has Lyme disease. I feel like an asshole for posting her updates on here now.

I went to her FB profile and found out she has the new timeline feature, and upon further inquiry I noticed that in around spring of ‘09 the posts started getting strange (that’s apparently when the bacteria started eating her brain). She started writing in ALL CAPS AND RUN-ON SENTENCES.

I felt somewhat guilty for making fun of her after finding this out. Truth be told, I vowed to go around just ASSUMING that every idiot I encounter has Lyme disease just to be abetter person. 

              Then I saw this post:

My mom thinks I might be gay apparently

A few months back I created a fake Facebook profile for Devin ‘The Dude’ Copeland who is a bizarre rapper from Texas. I created the profile so that I could be in an ironic relationship with him. My mother thought it might be real and is worried about me, here is the email she sent: